How do you process grief?

We have ushered in the new year with much fanfare this January, but the month has also brought some sad news. Since the start of 2025, we have had to bid farewell to two relatives who were close to our hearts. My parents are feeling the loss more keenly than everyone because of their strong personal connection with the deceased.

I have been trying to keep their spirits up through this arduous time, but as always happens, I started observing something new about myself. I am a bit of an escapist who does not like to face emotional situations. I do not know how to respond to strong emotions without crying or getting angry.

I am like heroines from yesteryears whose first response to difficulties was to cry. To understand my reference, you can look at Meena Kumari or Sri Ranjani Jr. This is definitely not a compliment; instead, it is an insult.

As I made this self-discovery, I started observing how the people around me react to grief. Surprisingly, I noticed many people divert their minds in the name of some task or responsibility. They focus on the surviving family members rather than those who have passed away. They take over the duties of the deceased, like cooking and caring for others. While this is a valuable and practical way to handle grief, is this the best way?

Another way to handle grief is to feel the pain and loss whole-heartedly. Let one’s mind process all the feelings and then move forward. I have seen my mother handle loss in this way, but the problem is that the stress affects her health. Moreover, she takes quite some time to let go and move forward. She spends a lot of energy reminiscing and recollecting all the major and minor details about the person. This doubles her grief and the healing time.

I have seen a few people spiral away in their own little hell. They become reserved and introverted, reminiscing about their memories and reliving all the past traumas. This is unhealthy, not only for the person but also for the family. Having seen a person waste their life in this way, I feel nervous to let myself get carried away by emotions.

These lessons have convinced me to distract my mind from the grief rather than to accept it and move on. Only an emotionally stable and practical person can handle grief in this way.

Being practical and realistic about life and death is an ascetic’s way of handling loss. I have seen very few people who have successfully adapted this style. However, such people are often misunderstood as selfish, self-centred, or heartless. Being practical in the face of death is a way of detachment from the material world. However, many people misinterpret this attitude as scheming or greed.

I would love to be practical, but I fear the label of a heartless person. I would love to accept and feel the grief, but I choose not to end up as a filmy tragedy queen. This leaves only one option: to escape my feelings and distract myself. Until I learn to be emotionally stable, I have to hide from grief. Many of you are ‘tutt’ing and ‘tsk’ing at my attitude, so any advice is welcome.